I need some rationality. Condom broke, and I had to take Plan B for the first time ever today. Took it around 2:30, and it says that if you throw up within 2 hours, you should call your doctor and you might have to retake it. So it’s been 3.5 hours, and I just ate 200 cal worth of carrots with honey mustard and plan mustard, and then I just made myself a shake with a 40 cal fudgsicle, a banana, and almond milk (200 cal)….I’ve eaten way too much today. So much. Too much. OMG i’m just thinking about it and I want to cry/die. 

Need to purge. 

But took plan B. 

Don’t want to get pregnant. 

Gahhhhhh. 

I think i’m going to purge. 

What do I do?

6:04 pm  •  27 July 2011  •  3 notes

todaywegiveourselvestothefire asked: So, I know a million people have probably tried to tell you this, and that ED will make you discount it, but you are incredibly beautiful, just how you looked 3 days ago. Your body looks healthy (though we both know it isn't), but you look like a normal, sexy female with natural curves.
Every once in a while I can believe that about myself when I look in the mirror, and I hope you can too.
But I also completely get it. You can look objectively at a photo and be alright with it, but it's more about how you feel in your body, how conscious you are of clothes touching you, etc.
I hope it gets better, though. <3

you’re really so, so kind. every once in a while, I can believe that about myself in the mirror too…it’s so day by day right now. One day I feel great, the next day so blah….i think i’m getting better though. Slowly (very slowly) but surely, i think i’m beginning to feel a bit more secure, in the most literal sense of the word. Which is good. 

And you’re so right about the photo/feeling—spot on, actually. I can look at that photo, and I like how I look. but when it’s me in the mirror, me and the feeling of my clothes….eugh. Just want to saw off all the fat and scrape it away, want it to melt all away. 

But thank you so much, this was such a nice message to receive. <3

1:13 pm  •  25 July 2011

(via zooeydeschanelfuckyeah)

11:09 pm  •  24 July 2011  •  15 notes

One day I’m so happy, I’m on top of the world. I’m texting Nick drunk, “Nick, you know what? I’m really, really happy.” I feel like I can conquer anything. I’m so thrilled to be dating Dave. I’m wearing a dress that I wore to a formal in high school. The future seems stable and limitless. 

The next day, I’m second guessing myself. I don’t want to be with Dave. I’m hoping not to run into him. I don’t want to get out of bed. I feel fat. I feel like I’m bursting out of the seems of my dress. I just want to sit alone, numb, by myself, and watch the world move by me—too much effort to join in. 

Friday I eat so perfectly on schedule, so little, I’m so controlled, I feel thin. Saturday night finds me drunk, shoveling my roommate’s left over pad thai into my mouth, so, so full, keep stuffing it in until I will burst. Chewing it, pulverizing it in to the tiniest pieces because I know I’m going to be trying to get it back up. Forcing myself to take a gulp of water after ever bite, projectile vomiting the masticated shreds into a trash can in my room at 3 in the morning, hiding the trash bag full of vomit under my bed until I can throw it away the next morning. 

Why can’t I win? I want to be happy. I don’t want to be emotionally committed to someone else. I don’t want to have to be partially responsible for his happiness too. I feel really badly that Dave is now going to be subjected to my ups and downs and eating neurosis and emotional detachment. 

Last night, I was on a down spell (obviously). I wanted to hook up with someone, just anyone, anyone but Dave. He was home in Minnesota, and I just wanted to hook up with someone else…i don’t know why. To prove to myself that I wasn’t beholden to someone else? Something like that. I feel constricted already. I need life to be more open ended again…i don’t know what or how i’m feeling, i’m just going a little crazy again. 

Off to the gym. 

4:53 pm  •  24 July 2011

10:15 am  •  23 July 2011

I’m kind of disappointed. Annie has basically become my best friend in the past summer/semester. She’s my go to, we do most everything together (not in like, a co-dependent way), and it’s been really amazing because we’re both highly competitive people who have NOT given in to being competitive with one another, and it’s been just fun. She also did not pick up on my eating disorder—actually, I think she suspects, but she’s one of those (like Fiona) who just can’t quite deal with it. they feel too acutely, i think, my own pain and their own guilt, and it’s not that they don’t want to help, it’s that for their own sanity, they cannot involve themselves because it is too distressing because they feel too much—but so hanging out with her has been amazing because she’s one of the last people who just has no idea, and we’ve never discussed my ED, and I could just not have to think about it with them. 

But alas. Annie and I were entering the bar at the same time Victoria was the other night, and we were all drunk, and of course Victoria said something about my weight loss and implied unhealthiness, and it kind of all came out to Annie. Not all of it. But she figured it out, and she was clearly really upset. She experienced anorexia-leaning EDNOS (kind of like what I used to have, and have now since the purging has more or less stopped) in high school, and so I think she is really upset. I think she’s scared for herself, because she knows that being around me could trigger it. I think she’s upset that she has to revisit all that, and that I am going through it now. I feel really badly. 

It complicates things. I just am never going to bring it up again, we were both drunk, and what i love about us is that I never had to deal with her knowing or worrying about me like the other people who have confronted me about it. So I think we’re both happy to sweep it under the rug, between each other at least. 

10:13 am  •  23 July 2011

(via nofatonlythin)

9:57 am  •  23 July 2011  •  349 notes

I bought  a blender last week and am obsessed with shakes and smoothies. 

For dinner last night, I made myself a shake with lots of ice, a banana (100), under 1 cup of almond milk (<60), and 1 no-sugar added fudgsicle (40), and some vanilla. 

200 calories, and it tastes like a milkshake, and it’s healthy. 

And it keeps me full! A chocolate banana milkshake, is essentially what it is!

I got all luxurious last week and put in a tbsp of peanut butter. 280 calories and it had lots of protein etc etc and just tasted like heaven. 

For lunch I think I’m going to make myself a smoothie with some raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, ice, and maybe some watermelon. Heaaaavennnnnn!

9:56 am  •  23 July 2011  •  1 note

2:11 am  •  22 July 2011

so so so so so so hungry. 

But it’s 101 degrees, and weather.com said that wiht the humidity index, it feels like 113 degrees. I refuse to go outside. Refuse. SOOO i didn’t get my lunch snack. 

(HA let’s be real—i’d brave the heat if I wanted it. I just want an excuse for why i’m sitting here starving. Really, I’m relishing the intense and painful emptiness right now)

4:11 pm  •  21 July 2011  •  1 note

(sexually explicit TMI)

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11:27 am  •  21 July 2011

(via sirblack)

11:25 am  •  21 July 2011  •  77 notes

I keep losing! I lost another .5 lb today! it’s awesome. I’d been on SUCH an epic, epic plateau, i’m finally really truly beating it. 

Dave came over and watched HP 6 with me last night b/c he hasn’t seen the last two movies and wants to go see the last one in theaters. It was so nice. He’s home this weekend, which is nice too b/c there’s no pressure. But I’m pretty sure we’re in a relationship. 

And for the first time….I think I’m really happy about it. He…makes me happy. Really happy. 

Life is good. The ED is as bad as ever, but somehow I’ve been able to sweep the emotional aspects of it under the rug, and let it just be a numbers game of losing weight. I think that’s just because I’m losing weight right now though. I always feel like this when I’m actually losing. You know, that feeling of control and security? The real depression, manic-ness, and isolation set in wiht a vengence most when you’re not losing. Or bingeing. Or purging a lot. And I’m not doing any of that right now, so I feel kind of ok. 

For the moment, anyways. 

11:20 am  •  21 July 2011  •  1 note

Lost 1.5 lbs overnight. Fuck yes. Going to the gym was worth it

8:10 am  •  20 July 2011

Dave and I got happy hour…it was so much fun. Like, really awesome. We took the bus back to our section of the city, and we were sitting next to each other and I thought to myself for the first time….I could really see this happening. I think I can do this. I think I WANT to do this. 

He kept wanting to stay. We met at 5:30. My plan was to make it to the gym around 8 or 8:30; it closes at 10. We kept staying…finally, it was nearing 8 and we still had to go back to our neighborhood before I’d be able to change and depart for the gym. 

My friend has an open bar tonight. Wanna just grab dinner and go to the open bar, he asked. I wanted to. I really, really wanted to. 

But the gym called. I knew I’d freak if I didn’t make it to the gym. And dinner? DINNER? sheer panic erupted inside me when I thought of eating dinner at a restaurant. 

3 vodka sodas on an empty stomach that’d only eaten watermelon, kiwis, grapes, and a banana that entire day….I was drunk. In no shape to go to the gym. 

But I went. burned 900 calories. When we reached his house, he realized no one was home, and he really wanted me to stay and hook up with him. I did too. 

But the gym called. 

So I went. 

2:03 am  •  20 July 2011